The Clever Indian: Prologue

Hello world! This is my first post, but the way things stand, I'm sure it won't be my last.

So let me first introduce myself. I'm the clever Indian, the cleverest person on the face of this earth. Sounds like a tall claim to you? Okay, so here are the facts.

I was the first civilized person on this earth. My glorious civilization is millions of years old. I taught the world everything that it knows today. I discovered the zero, in fact I invented mathematics. I was the first to speak in words while the rest of the world was communicating in sign language. Then I decided to invent the art of writing. Meanwhile Europe and America were in the Cromagnan stage of evolution.

Then effortlessly I moved on to higher pursuits. I founded all the major arts and sciences. I constructed the world's first aeroplane which I named 'Pushpak Viman'. In another inspired moment I invented the science of cloning (the birth of the Kauravas in Mahabharat is proof of that). The great Rishis of my country have been practising the art of artificial insemination for centuries (the birth of the sons of King Dasharatha is a case in point). The warriors in the historical text Mahabharata fought with nuclear weapons which were named Brahmastra, Agneyastra, etc.

In those days my people were all supermen. Our average height was 7 feet 5 inches. We used to be extremely strong; in fact our best warriors could lift the whole universe in their hands and smash it to pieces, if they chose to. Our average lifespan used to be a thousand years. Our women were the loveliest in the world. They had doe-like eyes. Their breasts were like ripe mangoes and their heavy buttocks hung like water-melons on their slender waists (which threatened to snap with every step they took, bearing as they were the weight of those glorious orbs).

All these things are not mere empty boasts; they are as true as the fact of the sun rising everyday in the east. All these facts are recorded in our great Vedas and our historical texts which the rest of the world foolishly calls epics. If you are still inclined to be skeptic, ask the leaders of the RSS, the BJP or the VHP - they will be only too glad to corroborate these truths. And as we all know, they are perfect, honorable and omniscient people who can never ever speak the untruth. They will tell you that I invented every art worth inventing: music, painting, sculpture and literature.

Even today when the world has degenerated and the glories of my past are no more, I'm still the cleverest person on the face of this earth. America may be the richest country in the world, but its computers work because of me; its satellites and Starwars program are entirely dependent on me. People say my that my own country is poor while I work hard to enrich America, but they are ignoramus materialists who don't know that my philosophy teaches me to slave for the comforts of my fellow humans while desiring nothing for myself.

In the field of health I'm far ahead of the rest of the world. While other people are struggling to discover medicines to cure diabetes, hypertension, cancer and AIDS, I am content in the knowledge that Yoga is the cure of every disease known to man. All the great Gurus in my country say that and so it must be true. And if somehow Yoga fails, then there is always that great panacea - the urine of the holy cow, which may even bring back a dead man to life.

That's all I'm going to say for now, but don't worry, I will be appearing on this blog from time to time to tell you all about my cleverness. Till then, Jai Hind.