The Great Indian Celebration

"Marriages might be made in heaven, but they create hell here on earth," said a friend of mine.

He had recently suffered an exceptionally severe bout of his old asthma. When his usual medicines proved ineffective, he decided to drive over to his doctor's clinic to get some urgent attention. On his way he had to pass through a marketplace, which is usually quite congested. That day however, the traffic was barely crawling. He rolled up the car windows to escape the exhaust fumes from the other vehicles, but felt himself suffocating in the resulting closeness. It took him about an hour to clear out of the jam, and each moment he felt could be his last. Luckily he was able to catch hold of the doctor just as he was about to close the clinic, and his life was saved. That traffic jam had been caused by a marriage procession (baraat), and today he was ranting against this very Indian custom.

"Why don't people realize how much they are inconveniencing others while they dance foolishly on the streets? I could have lost my life that day. These stupid marriage processions should be banned," was his fervent opinion.

Of course I couldn't agree with him on this point. I've heard similar arguments on this subject from many people - that baraats create noise pollution with their cacophonous bands, they also cause air pollution from the crackers that explode on the streets, and that thousands and possibly lakhs of rupees worth of petrol is wasted as traffic comes to a virtual standstill during the snail-like pace of the procession through the streets. But all these arguments I find specious and besides the point.

Firstly, marriage is the most important element of the great Indian dream. Everyone in India gets married; so what if he is a pauper and cannot support a family? It is our great philosophy to do the deed (in life or in bed) and not bother about its fruits - and besides in a welfare state, it is the duty of the government to take care of the poor and their children. Mothers marry off their drunkard sons in the hope of reforming them, though mostly after marriage the son starts drinking even harder, presumably to gather the courage for the noble task of beating his wife black and blue, a feat he wouldn't dare to attempt in a sober state. Our glorious historical texts are also replete with incidences of impotent princes being married off to beautiful princesses by doting parents, who later employ the benign services of altruistic rishis to bless the marriage with its fruition.

So if marriage is so important to us Indians, shouldn't we celebrate it with as much gay abandon as we can? So what if a few thousand people are inconvenienced by it for a few hours? It is possible that someone like my friend may be in an emergency situation and may even be unfortunate enough to lose his/her life, but isn't it desirable to try and bring down the population of our country? Admittedly causing the death of a couple of persons isn't such a big deal, but shouldn't we all try and do our bit for the sake of our glorious country? After all its the tiny drops that gang up to form the mighty ocean.

Also marriages are the only occasions where we can display our garish tastes in clothes and jewelery. Ladies lie to their husbands and scrounge tit-bits from the monthly budget to buy silk saris and gold for just this occasion. It is their right to waggle their heavy hips and jiggle their jugs on the streets so that strangers can gawk at them in all their finery. And spare a thought for our young roadside dandies with Salman Khan hairstyles, who invest all their free time round the year to mimic the dance-steps of their bollywood ideals, just for the chance to display their pelvic-thrusting skills in a baraat (apparently as a hint to the groom as to what is expected of him in due course).
And you must also give some consideration to the parents of the couple, who have spent so many lakhs, usually their entire life savings, to buy them copulatory rights for a lifetime from the society. It is the privilege of these poor souls to gain a measure of revenge on the society by inconveniencing it as much as they can for a few hours.

So next time you are stuck up in a traffic jam brought on by a marriage procession, stop cribbing about the lack of civic sense of the Indians. Just honk your horn loudly and join in the great Indian celebration of yet another marriage. Or better still, park your car in the middle of the street, join in the public gyrations, and later partake of the free food - just like the clever Indian.